Pajamas and Letting Go
by AutumnRain1
Summary: My take on how the pajama scene could have been played out
1. Default Chapter

Title: Pajamas and Letting Go  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
Email: autumnrainwolf76@yahoo.com  
  
Category: angst, romance Harm/Mac (who else? LOL)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: Harm's POV in my take on how the "pajama" scene should have played out  
  
Disclaimer: the characters don't belong to me they belong to DB and  
  
others. Just borrowing them.  
  
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, let me have it :)  
  
"and to see you in your pajamas," God, did I just say that? I looked at her out from under the corner of my eyes not knowing if I should have said that. Not a good thing to say to a Marine who could flatten me. Especially to a Marine who has probably felt like taking a few swings at me recently. I hope she takes it as I meant it, just a try at getting our teasing banter back between us. I want my best friend back.... okay, I know I want more than just having our friendship back, but I have to start somewhere. Oh thank God, she just smiled at me, not a big one, but a smile nonetheless- I guess I am not going to end up with anything sprained or broken, well, maybe my heart. I stand and walk over to her window- I need space, but I don't want to leave- there is comfort here, although a somewhat uncertain one at the same time.  
  
I want nothing more than to hold her, to be in her arms for so many reasons.... I love her, I need her, I am confused - I have decisions to make, ones that put my career and my sense of honor in different corners, God, I love her....I don't like how this feels- caught between the ache of wanting her to hold me so badly and the ache, the fear that my wanting, no, needing another person this much is causing me. Is this how she felt that night Mic left her and she came to me? Jesus- I caused her this much pain.... I will not cry, I will not cry.... I can't show weakness.... you fool, it wouldn't be the first time she saw your tears and she never held it against you.... NO, I will not cry....  
  
"Harm?"  
  
I hear the question in her voice and feel her hand on the back of my shoulder.  
  
"I'm fine" I manage to spit out, not believing it in the least. I know she doesn't either. 


	2. Pajamas and Letting Go II

I close my eyes and let my head fall forward, letting myself get lost in the comfort her hand, now rubbing back and forth across my shoulders. Her simple touch was pushing away all my fears. It would be so easy just to turn slightly and wrap my arms around her. Would my touch ease her aches? Was it really this simple? Was she right when she said I made simple things to complicated? Yes, she was right, and my arms physically ache to hold her....  
  
"Come here Sailor" she says as she gently turns me toward her, wrapping her arms around me.  
  
As I pull her even closer I want to ask her if she can read my mind, but there is a lump in my throat I can't get past. I bury my head in her neck, pressing my body completely against hers. She fits perfectly. I feel her try to pull back slightly, but I don't want to let her go.  
  
"Not yet Sarah" I whisper as I tighten my hold and guide her head to nestle into my shoulder.  
  
"Harm...."  
  
I hear her mumble my name. If she really didn't want this, I know I that I would already be picking myself up off the floor, counting broken bones, but if I don't explain myself, I just might find myself in that position.  
  
"Please, Sarah.... only with you.... I need this. I am so sorry" I get out before that lump in my throat made a reappearance. Well at least I am getting something across to her. Please understand Sarah, I need you, I am so sorry for any pain I have caused you, my mind wills her. It seems as though my eyes and heart have decided to take another voice as I feel the spot I have chosen to hide my face become wet with my tears.  
  
"Shhhh, its okay.... I got you Harm" she whispers to me as she starts to rub my back again.  
  
"I am so sorry Sarah" I say the best I can.  
  
She holds me for a long time as I struggle to bring my tears under control and come to grips with the knowledge our bodies will separate from each other. The irrational thought of never letting her out of my arms flies through my mind. Somewhere between that night on the ferry and this moment the 'feeling' I couldn't let go of then to be with her has been forgotten and she has become what I never want to release.  
  
"I think I gave you another shower there Jarhead" I try to joke as I lift my head, automatically attempting to bring the walls back up around me even though it is the last thing I want. Too many years of closing my deepest feelings off to those around me is a hard habit to break. Please, Sarah, help me fight for this....  
  
"Not so fast Sailor, what are you so sorry for?" she asked, and yet again I think that she can read my mind. If only she could read my heart. Only slightly loosening her hold on me, she looked into my eyes and then quickly dropped her head.  
  
"Don't shut down on me now...." she mumbled.  
  
I brought a hand to her chin, lifting her face up, noticing a tear sliding down her right cheek. God, all I do is seem to do is make her hurt. I lean down and gently kiss the tear away.  
  
"I am sorry all I ever do is hurt you....I don't like to see you cry.... I want to kill anyone who hurts you....but it seems that all I ever is hurt you" I ramble, "Whenever I have needed you, you were always there for me.... and that night Mic left I...." that damnable lump was back, but that night kept going through my mind in Technicolor glory. She needed me. She needed my arms around her to sooth her pain just like she was easing mine now.  
  
"Harm- you had other responsibilities then. If you weren't eating yourself for not being there for me, you would be beating yourself up for not being there for Renee and that wouldn't have been a good thing for us.... if there is or will be an us...."  
  
I look down into her tear-filled brown eyes that have locked onto mine searching fiercely into my gaze. Simple things complicated, Rabb, un- complicate them.... God, they should disbar me, I am supposed to be some hotshot attorney who makes moving and eloquent arguments on behalf of my clients and I can't even tell this woman here in my arms that she is the one person in this whole world that completes me, the one person in this world that I would give my own life for if need be with no questions asked or second thoughts, that I love her beyond reason. 


End file.
